Oxymoron
by sbrewster
Summary: Two years after Emily's 'death' , Derek is convinced he saw her. How will the rest of the team react and how far will Derek go to find out what really happened?
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everybody :)**

 **So here is my first Criminal Minds fic. Honestly I'm kind of nervous publishing it, but I'm also excited to hear your opinions, so feel free to leave some comments :)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or it's characters, otherwise fanfiction wouldn't be necessary.**

" _People will believe a big lie sooner than a little one, and if you repeat it frequently enough, people will sooner or later believe it."  
_ Walter C. Langer

Chapter 1

Derek startled from his dream, sweat running down on his forehead and breathing heavily, he slowly realized where he was and ordered his mixed up thoughts.

 _Not again._

Although the reason of his nightmare has already happened 2 years ago, he still couldn't handle it properly. Every two or three weeks the past would afflict and attack him in his dreams. Of course he had seen a doctor, but it didn't really help. He always had to see the pain in her beautiful face again, had to hear her last words over and over again and couldn't help her. His task was to protect his partner and he failed. If he had been there on time, only one minute earlier, she would probably have made it. But he wasn't and nobody could change that. The suffering of losing his friend slowly tore his heart apart and every day on this world without her made his life a little bit worse. They weren't just partners. Out in the field one glare was enough to make the other one know what to do; they could rely on each other no matter what happened. They used to tease Reid like silly children and laughed about Kilgore Trout jokes. At the weekends Emily often helped Derek renovating his houses and after their work was done they would order take out and watch old movies.

And all that was gone. Forever.

Derek's nightstand clock showed it was already 5:30 am. He had to get up in half an hour anyways, so he pulled the sheets away and because he wouldn't be able to fall asleep again he got up and headed downstairs to the kitchen to have some breakfast.

While Derek waited for his coffee which was brewing, D.C. was awaking. Hurrying people were passing by on the pavement; vehicles were waiting in the traffic jam and the sun was rising at the horizon. A new day was starting.

She was sitting in one of the worst coffee shops in her district, but it was sadly the only place where she felt at least a bit at home, because the coffee there was as bad as the one from the BAU´s kitchenette.  
During her first weeks in Paris she had refused to spend more time outside her apartment than necessarily. Her fear was just too big. As time passed by and the loneliness grew bigger she overcame her doubts and started going to the little coffee shop around her corner. There she also got to know Elliot, a kind old man, who had lived in Paris his whole life. His apartment was in the same building as the coffee shop and so he spent most of his time there. He often brought his little chess game and he was beating Emily almost every time.  
But for him she wasn't Emily Prentiss. She introduced herself as Eva Lamoure, one of her secret identities, when they met for the first time. A 42 year old woman who moved to Paris after her husband and daughter died in a car accident, trying to deal with the terrible things that happened in her past and looking forward to start from the beginning.  
Lying to the friendly old man, to the only person she was sure she could definitely trust, in a time everybody could indeed try to fool and come after her, was something she hated herself for. But of course, she had no other choice. The only people, who were supposed to know about her situation, were far away on the other side of the big pond, carrying the lie with them every day just as Emily did.

 **Soo this was the first chapter. I hope you liked it and I'll promise trying to update as fast as possible.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone :)**

 **First of all, thank you so much for the reviews! I'm so glad and happy you guys liked the first chapter. Also I'm going to try to update this story every friday. I know the next chapter is kind of short and unlogical, but otherwise my story woudn't work.**  
 **Have fun reading, though :)**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or it's characters, otherwise fanfiction woudn't be necessary.**

Chapter 2

" _When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be."_

 _Lao Tzu_

As Derek arrived in the bullpen everything seemed normal just as every other day and after he put his bag next to his table, he was about to sit down to start working on some new case files, but suddenly Hotch came around asking him to follow him in his office.

At first Derek thought Hotch needed a fresh pair of eyes to read some case files or whatever, although Hotch was actually not very often in the need of help. But sometimes paper work can be difficult and tiring, even for the best among them.  
Derek's guess changed though, when he saw Hotch's stern glance as they approached his office. That was when he began worrying about his last 'argument' with Chief Strauss. He would never be able to stand that woman…

Suddenly Derek's thoughts got interrupted.

"It seems like you're stressed, Morgan?" he asked, after noticing Derek's odd behavior.

He glanced over to him. "No, I'm not."

"Lying to a profiler is never a good idea, you know." Hotch grinned.

"Really, I'm fine. Just had a short night." He assured.

Hotch nodded approvingly, fortunately he wasn't about to dig any deeper.

"So, let's tell me what this is about, Hotch."

"Interpol requested our help. There have been some mysterious murders with the same victimology and signature. I know this would usually be a new case for us, but not all of the murders were committed on US soil. Agents from Interpol have already tracked the UnSub all the way to France and now they're investigating there. But I'm not authorized to send the whole team to France helping Interpol. That is why I wanted to talk to you. It would normally be my task, but Strauss doesn't want me to go, because she needs me here for some political issues. It would only be a few weeks, maybe three. What do you say?" He asked hopefully.

Hopeful. That described Hotch's feelings pretty good. He was hopeful that he wouldn't regret the decision to send Derek to the country he connects the biggest lie in his entire life with. But he couldn't send someone else. JJ needed to stay here for Henry and Will wouldn't have loved the idea anyways. Neither Reid nor Rossi came into question, because they were more useful here in Quantico too. And what should possibly go wrong? When Derek took over his position back then, everything went well and so would this case.  
He glanced over to him waiting for an answer.

While Derek had listened to him carefully, he already made his decision. Being in a foreign country, working or not, definitely clears your mind and that was what he needed, so he would certainly take this opportunity. Maybe he would even stay a few weeks longer to relax and explore new places.

"I'll do it."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! Thanks again for your reviews, they really make me want to keep writing 3**

 **As promised, here is the 3** **rd** **chapter. It finally gets a little bit exciting: D**

 **Now have fun reading :)**

Chapter 3

 _"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do."_

 _Eleanor Roosevelt_

Only three days later Derek was sitting in a cab on his way to the airport to go to France, more precisely to a small town near Paris.  
They had decided not to work directly in the capitol, so they could be closer to the crime scene. He was optimistic that they could solve the case as fast as possible, although they didn't have much leads to their UnSub. Hopefully the other agents already found out some more helpful information on-site.

During the long flight Derek spent a lot of time thinking about the last years. A lot happened and a lot changed.  
Sometimes he wondered how already two years could have passed since Emily's death. It still hurt the same, especially because he wasn't able to catch the man, who did this to her. Of course, Derek had been trying to find Doyle. He and Penelope had almost spent every minute in their free time for it, but time had passed by and at one point they just didn't have any ideas left that could lead to him and track him down. Since then he blamed himself even more, because after they had received the message in the hospital, Derek had told himself he would do everything to catch Doyle and he broke his promise.

* * *

They were finally able to close the case after almost 3 weeks. It took indeed longer than Hotch had expected it, but the only thing that counted was actually that they arrested the UnSub, no matter how long it took them.  
Their UnSub's name was Paul Miller, a 53 years old man from Munich, who worked for a travel company as a tourist guide. Thereby he was able to commit crimes in different countries, so they didn't get connected for a pretty long time and police couldn't solve them.  
Their main lead was given a few days ago by a witness, who watched the victim from France getting brutally pulled into the UnSub's vehicle. The woman fortunately remembered a sticker on the car's left door, which led them to the company the UnSub worked for. Then the police in Munich immediately got informed and arrested him.

As he had already planned Derek didn't fly back immediately. Instead he booked a hotel in one of Paris' more quiet districts to have some vacation after the long case.

* * *

Today was one of the bad days again. When the demons come out of the back of her mind and she is plagued by all the guilty feelings, Emily just wants to call them, to tell them that she is fine, alive and that she'll come back.  
She could release them from their pain by just one phone call. She wants their suffering to stop so badly to make them happy again. They didn't deserve this. None of them did. And it was her fault. She put them in this situation and she regretted it every day.  
Sometimes, especially at the beginning of her time in Paris, it seemed like she couldn't do this anymore. And it didn't get better during all those months. She had indeed thought about killing herself, but came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth it and also realized that, in a certain way, she already was dead. It wasn't just that her team believed she was dead. A part of her really died back then and the rest of her slowly died every day a little bit more.  
But she had to be strong. That is what she had promised JJ on the plane. They would do everything to find Doyle. Derek would. And she was sure one day Hotch or JJ would call telling her that it's all over. At this day she could return to her family. But she had to be strong.

Although Emily wasn't that keen on going outside of her apartment today, she had to, because everyone has to buy groceries sometimes.  
Heavy grey clouds were hanging in the dawn sky and it was already raining for hours, so she threw on her black coat and grabbed an umbrella, then she headed out of her door.  
A freezing Emily approached the shop a little later. By looking through the big windowpanes, she saw a long queue at the checkout.  
As she was about to go through the entrance door, she suddenly stopped. Her brain abruptly stopped processing; her heart probably beat faster than ever and her glance stuck at one certain person in the queue.  
That couldn't be real. Not today and not at this place. But she didn't wake up as usually, when she had one of those dreams. _What the fuck is going on?_  
The only thing Emily could manage to concentrate on was Derek. Derek. He starred at her. His face was blank, but at the same time full of disbelief. She wanted to run away, but it was like her feet were anchored in the ground. _Damn._ How long was she already standing there? She had to decamp as fast as possible. It would break her heart, but she had no other choice.  
Then Emily turned around and hurried to get out of his view.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello everybodyyy :)**

 **Thank you soo much for your nice reviews 3 I hope you all had a nice week... Now I have a question concerning the story: Do you guys want me to write a big Doyle showdown or should I just mention it casually? It's probably not going to happen in the next few chapters, but I have to plan ahead, soo it would be great if you leave some reviews :)**

 **Now have fun reading the new chapter :))**

Chapter 4

" _Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."_

 _Oscar Wilde_

Still in shock he dropped his stuff on the assembly line and hurried through weirdly looking people out of the shop. Derek stopped in the middle of the pavement, when he realized that Emily was gone. His gaze swung right, then to the left. He had no idea in which direction she went, so he just believed in his instinct, which told him to turn right. Derek jostled with fast big steps through the crowd of people walking on the pavement. He had to be fast. If she really went in this direction, he could still catch up with her. He followed the long street all the way to a little intersection. In the meantime it was raining even harder and heavy raindrops were splashing on Derek's face, so that he could barely see something. His clothes were sodden too and he wasn't exactly successful with his search. The exhaustion finally took over and he realized that it would be pointless to keep searching any longer. He lost her again. Emily would already be wherever she stayed, so he turned and frustratingly walked back in the direction he came from.

For a few moments during his search Derek even thought he was going crazy. Seeing someone who is supposed to be dead isn't something that never happened before to people. It indeed happened quite a lot. Maybe his mind was playing him a trick. Maybe it was because of these nightmares he had lately.  
 _No_. Emily was there. He didn't mistake her for somebody, who looked like her; otherwise she would have just walked into the shop, wondering why some odd guy was staring at her. So it had to be her.  
But how could that be possible?  
Derek had no answer to his question. They had carried her coffin, they grieved for her, he had been visiting her grave almost every week since the last two years and now she was alive? He couldn't believe what just happened. JJ told them she didn't make it and he was in the waiting room together with the others. Why was he not able to notice something? Did they fake Emily's death to save her from Doyle? And most importantly, who else was involved?  
A lot of questions he had to find answers to.

* * *

With a loud bang the apartment door was shut behind her. Leaning on it, she slid down and finally allowed herself to give vent to her feelings. Big round tears were running down on her cheeks and soon covered her whole beautiful face.  
Although she never wanted to hurt Derek again, she just did. The only person she ever felt save with, was also the person, whose heart she broke over and over again. Emily's hand was shaking heavily when she reached out to brush away the tears. She was totally exhausted and out of breath after she managed to get home so fast.

It took Emily a while to calm down. Still with tears in eyes she reached out for her bag to get her cell phone. She dialed the special number, which had been among the other important information that JJ had given to her when they met a few weeks after her 'death'. Emily had memorized it, because she could never know, when she would need it. JJ had told her to only call in an emergency. And this was an emergency.  
The ringing tone started and after three times Emily could her JJ's familiar voice answering the phone.  
"Emily? What is wrong?" she immediately asked.  
It had been a long time since she heard one of her friends' voices, so she was kind of overwhelmed, which caused her to tear up again. JJ, who heard her sobbing, kept speaking. "Emily, it's ok. Everything is going to be fine, just try to calm down, ok?" she told her. "Why is he here? I don't know what's going on, JJ." Emily managed to say. JJ seemed confused. "Who are you talking about?" She wanted to know, sounding nervous. "Derek. I saw him today, when I was about to go into the shop. He was in the waiting queue." She sobbed. Then the line was quiet for a few seconds.  
"Emily, are you sure? And did he saw you too?" JJ worryingly asked. "Yeah of course he did. I stood there for like, I have no idea, maybe a minute? I couldn't move, because I was so shocked." Emily explained.  
As JJ's apprehension became true, she started telling Emily about the investigation they were involved in and how Derek was ordered to go to Paris.  
"And what is the plan now?" She heard her asking. "I mean we aren't allowed to just tell him, are we? Even if he promises that he won't tell it anybody?" Emily continued. "Probably not…but I'm not sure how we are going to deal with this situation now, so I'm going to call Hotch, because he obviously has to know about it. Maybe Derek already called him to get answers. Well, we can't blame him…he must be angry. "She finished. "I would be too." Emily stated sadly. Then they ended the call.


End file.
